As You Like It: Abridged Version
by citharadraconis
Summary: The Shakespearean comedy, 'translated' for a modern audience. Rated PG for a few cuss words and some mild innuendo. R&R, please! (Act IV now up!)
1. Act I

A/N~ The story and characters in it belong to Shakespeare, not me, but the dialogue is mine (except where noted). R&R, please!  
  
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As You Like It, Abridged  
  
Act I  
  
Scene 1. An orchard near OLIVER's house.  
  
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.  
  
ORLANDO: (whining) Oliver's being meeeeeean. He won't give me any money.  
  
ADAM: Shut up. Here he comes.  
  
ORLANDO: Oooh! Go hide somewhere and watch, okay? So I can show you how utterly mean he is.  
  
Enter OLIVER, who says MEAN THINGS to ORLANDO. ORLANDO grabs him by the THROAT.  
  
OLIVER: Gurk!  
  
ORLANDO: I WANT MY MONEY!  
  
OLIVER: Fine! Fine! I'll give you your stupid money! Just go away!  
  
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM. OLIVER cackles demoniacally and informs the AUDIENCE of his EVIL PLAN to KILL ORLANDO and KEEP his MONEY.  
  
OLIVER: Hehehehe…Yo! Dennis!  
  
Enter DENNIS, a RANDOM SERVANT with only TWO LINES in the WHOLE STINKING PLAY.  
  
DENNIS: You called, sir?  
  
OLIVER: Is that guy Charles here? You know, the /Duke's champion wrestler/? *dun dun DUN*  
  
DENNIS: He's at the door, sir.  
  
OLIVER: Let him in.  
  
Exit DENNIS. Enter CHARLES.  
  
CHARLES: Yo.  
  
OLIVER: Yo. 'Sup at the court?  
  
CHARLES proceeds to give a LONG and TIRESOME EXPOSITION.  
  
OLIVER: (randomly) So you're /wrestling tomorrow/, right? *dun dun DUN*  
  
CHARLES: Yeah. And your puny little bro wants to come wrestle with me. You sure that's such a good idea?  
  
OLIVER: Oh, yeah. Him. Well, see, I /tried/ to talk him out of it, but no dice. So I guess I'd better let him. In fact, I really wouldn't mind if you broke his stubborn little neck, because he's mean and evil and wants to kill us all. I'll love you forever if you do it…(displays LARGE BAG of GOLD)  
  
CHARLES: (staring hungrily at GOLD) Sure.  
  
Exit CHARLES.  
  
OLIVER: YES! YES! I'm finally rid of him! Now all my lingering, subconscious jealousy issues will go away!  
  
Exit OLIVER, cackling demoniacally.  
  
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Scene 2. In front of DUKE FREDERICK's palace.  
  
Enter ROSALIND and CELIA.  
  
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!  
  
ROSALIND: (pouts)  
  
CELIA: Pleeeeeease?  
  
ROSALIND: Oh, okay. Hmm…(randomly) What do you think of falling in love?  
  
A DUEL of WITS ensues. Enter TOUCHSTONE.  
  
CELIA: Heyyy, it's the fool! Yo, Fool.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Lady, your father wants you.  
  
MORE BATTLING of WITS, during which TOUCHSTONE's MESSAGE is COMPLETELY IGNORED.  
  
Enter LE BEAU.  
  
CELIA: Hey!  
  
LE BEAU: (stuffily) Fair princess, you have lost much good sport. [line unedited]  
  
CELIA: Sport? What color is it?  
  
LE BEAU: ……  
  
ROSALIND, CELIA and TOUCHSTONE proceed to CONFUSE the HECK out of LE BEAU.  
  
LE BEAU: (finally getting to the point) Um, well, there's this /wrestling/ going on. *dun dun DUN*  
  
ROSALIND: Cool! Where?  
  
Enter DUKE FREDERICK, ORLANDO, CHARLES, and various random ATTENDANTS and LORDS.  
  
LE BEAU: (belatedly) Here.  
  
CELIA: Ah.  
  
ROSALIND and CELIA go over to meet ORLANDO. ROSALIND and ORLANDO fall in LOVE at FIRST SIGHT.  
  
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)  
  
CELIA: A/hem/. (drags lovestruck ROSALIND off ORLANDO)  
  
ORLANDO and CHARLES, after EXCHANGING INSULTS to each other's MANHOODS, proceed to WRESTLE. CHARLES loses BADLY. ORLANDO flexes MUSCLES.  
  
DUKE FRED: How ya doing, Charles?  
  
CHARLES: X_X  
  
DUKE FRED: MEDIC!!!!!  
  
CHARLES is dragged OFFSTAGE.  
  
DUKE FRED: (to ORLANDO) By the way, what's your name?  
  
ORLANDO: Orlando, sir. And my daddy was Sir Rowland de Boys.  
  
DUKE FRED: (growls) I hated the guy.  
  
Exeunt DUKE, LE BEAU, and random ATTENDANTS and LORDS. ROSALIND and CELIA go back over to ORLANDO.  
  
ROSALIND and ORLANDO: (make out)  
  
CELIA: NOT THE TIME. (drags ROSALIND off ORLANDO again)  
  
ROSALIND: Bye bye, sweetie pie…  
  
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA. Re-enter LE BEAU, who proceeds to tell ORLANDO in an extremely LONG-WINDED MANNER that he should GET the H*** OUT of HERE, because the DUKE is majorly PISSED. Exit LE BEAU.  
  
ORLANDO: Dangit, now I've gotta go back to my evil brother again…ooh, that Rosalind girl is soooooo hotttttt…  
  
Exit ORLANDO, in a lovesick daze.  
  
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Scene 3. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.  
  
Enter CELIA and ROSALIND.  
  
CELIA: Aw, c'mon, Roz, cheer up!  
  
ROSALIND: (pouts)  
  
AUDIENCE has ATTACK of DÉJÀ VU.  
  
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS.  
  
DUKE FRED: You! Rosalind! You're banished.  
  
ROSALIND: Wha? Why?  
  
DUKE FRED: Uh…because…because…(searches for plausible-sounding reason) because you're your father's daughter.  
  
ROSALIND: Huh?  
  
DUKE FRED: JUST GET THE H*** OUT OF HERE!  
  
CELIA: Nooooo! Rosalind's my veryvery bestest friend and I love her and you can't do this to me! (wails)  
  
DUKE FRED: Idiot.  
  
Exeunt DUKE FRED and random LORDS.  
  
CELIA: (still sniffling) Oh, Roz, what are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Hellllp! I'm scared!  
  
ROSALIND: Hell/o/? What is with all this "we" stuff? I'm the one your dad just banished, right? /You/ aren't going anywhere.  
  
CELIA: But I could /never/ be separated from you, my precious sweetie Rozzie poo! You're my veryvery bestest friend, remember? And I'm not leaving you.  
  
ROSALIND: (sighs) All right, where are /we/ going to go?  
  
CELIA: Um…um…why don't we go look for your dad in the forest of Arden? Yeah! Let's go!  
  
ROSALIND: Do the words "rape" and "murder" ring a bell?  
  
CELIA: Good point. (thinks) Well, we could make ourselves look like ugly peasant women…  
  
ROSALIND: (inspired) Hey, yeah! And I could dress up like a guy, since I'm all tall and everything! (swaggers around looking MACHO, while CELIA dissolves into GIGGLES) Oh, and we could take Touchstone too, in case we get bored along the way or something.  
  
CELIA: Wheeee! Let's go pack!  
  
Exeunt ROSALIND and CELIA. 


	2. Act II

A/N~ Sorry, this one's a bit long. :P As I said, basic story/characters Shakespeare's, dialogue--and a few authorial liberties--mine unless otherwise noted. Enjoy! (Act 3 coming soon.)  
  
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As You Like It, Abridged  
  
Act II  
  
Scene 1. The Forest of Arden.  
  
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and other random LORDS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Camping out in the forest is sure fun!  
  
AMIENS: (extremely PERKY, as ALWAYS) Sure is, yupyupyup. In fact, it's so fun I could just SING!  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: NO!  
  
AMIENS: Dammit.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go kill us some deer! But, y'know, I kinda feel bad for the poor things...  
  
LORD 1: So does Jaques. In fact, my buddy Amiens and I just saw him crying over a wounded deer. Wimp.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Ooooh! Is he still there?  
  
LORD 2: Yup.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: C'mon, let's go see! Man, I love arguing with him when he's depressed...  
  
LORD 2: Yup.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 2. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.  
  
Enter DUKE FRED, majorly PISSED, and random LORDS and ATTENDANTS, including LORD 1 and LORD 2. DIFFERENT ones this time.  
  
DUKE FRED: WHERE THE H*** ARE THEY?  
  
LORD 1: Heck, I dunno.  
  
LORD 2: (suddenly remembers) Oh, uh, by the way, the fool...whatsisname...is gone, too. And, uh, the girls' maidservant thinks they went off with that, uh, wrestler dude.  
  
DUKE FRED: /NOW/ you tell me?!?!?! (seethes) Okay, one of you numskulls go tell his brother to bring him here. Or else.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 3. Before OLIVER's house. Not after, not during, but before. (Kidding, it means in front of.)  
  
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM, from OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.  
  
ORLANDO: Who's that?  
  
ADAM: (blink) Young master? Oh, dear young master! Oh, good young master! Oh, kind young master! Oh, gentle young--  
  
ORLANDO: Um...could you get to the point already?  
  
ADAM: Don't go in the house! Your brother...no, he doesn't deserve to be called your brother...then the son...no, he doesn't deserve to be called the son of the guy I was just going to call his father either...no, wait...  
  
ORLANDO: (clears throat) Oliver. Yes. And?  
  
ADAM: Er, yeah. Anyway. He's gonna kill you! Go away!  
  
ORLANDO: Where? Should I be a beggar or something? I'd rather let him kill me.  
  
ADAM: (mutters) Idealistic little... (aloud) No, no, you don't have to do that. I've got money! See? And you can have it, too! And me as a servant, even though I'm all old and decrepit and would probably slow you down more than anything else!  
  
ORLANDO: Ooooh! Thanks! Sounds good to me.  
  
ADAM: Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...  
  
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.  
  
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Scene 4. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A large sign has been nailed onto one of the trees.  
  
Enter ROSALIND disguised as "GANYMEDE" the SHEPHERD LAD, CELIA disguised as "ALIENA" the SHEPHERD LASS, and TOUCHSTONE disguised as TOUCHSTONE.  
  
ALIENA/CELIA: (whining) I'm tiiiiiired and I'm huuuuuungry and my feeeeeet hurt and I'm all /dirty/ /all/ /over/! (pout)  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Tough. So are we.  
  
GANYMEDE/ROSALIND: (reading the SIGN) "The Forest of Arden." Cool.  
  
Enter CORIN, SILVIUS and several SHEEP. Somehow, they can't see "GANYMEDE" et al.  
  
CORIN: Nonono, you idiot, she'll despise you even more if you do /that/!  
  
SILVIUS: (rhetorical question) Corin, do you know how much I love her?  
  
CORIN: (starts RECITING what he's heard a GAZILLION TIMES before) More than the sun, moon and stars...more than any other man ever loved any other woman...more than words could possibly describe...  
  
SILVIUS: (not listening) I love her more than the sun, moon and...(CORIN continues to RECITE, and SILVIUS finally starts PAYING ATTENTION) wait! No! No! STOP IT!  
  
CORIN: Why? Did I forget something?  
  
SILVIUS: You're stealing all my lines! No fair! (runs away sobbing)  
  
Exit SILVIUS.  
  
CORIN: Oooookay then.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Poor guy, he reminds me of me and 'Lando-sweety-pookums...(trails off into lovey-dovey REVERIE)  
  
TOUCHSTONE: I remember when I loved a milkmaid once and did stupid things like that. (launches into LENGTHY STRING of rather NAUGHTY JOKES)  
  
ALI/CEL: (feeling IGNORED) Guyyyyys, I'm dying of hunger here and nobody cares?! (sniffles)  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Oh, fine. (yells over to CORIN) OY! LUNKHEAD WITH THE SHEEP!  
  
ROSALIND: (sighs) Shut up, fool.  
  
CORIN: Eh? Who's that?  
  
ROSALIND: (starts talking in "GANYMEDE VOICE") We're over here. Yo.  
  
CORIN: Hey.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Any good fast-food places or motels around here?  
  
CORIN: (stares) Um, you're in a /forest/.  
  
GANY/ROZ: So?  
  
CORIN: (grumbles to SELF) Danged city slickers. (aloud) Well, I could take you up to my master's. Not much there, though, the place is for sale.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (gets ANOTHER of her BRILLIANT IDEAS) Hey, think we could buy it? We've got the money and everything.  
  
CORIN: Uhm...(GANY/ROZ displays LARGE BAG of GOLD) Sure, I guess. Right this way, please.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 5. Somewhere else in the Forest of Arden. A different somewhere else this time.  
  
Enter AMIENS, JAQUES, and random LORDS. AMIENS is SINGING HORRIBLY, JAQUES is LOOKING ON with misty-eyed ADORATION, and the LORDS are STRAGGLING behind with COTTON WADS stuck prominently in their EARS.  
  
AMIENS: (NAILS SCREECHING across a BLACKBOARD) Don't worry, be happy...  
  
JAQUES: (sighs dreamily) More, sing more...  
  
LORDS: NOOOOOO!  
  
AMIENS: (pretending RELUCTANCE) Well...I dunno, maybe I shouldn't...  
  
LORDS: YES! YES! YES!  
  
JAQUES: (getting ANNOYED) MORE! And you idiots shut up!  
  
AMIENS: Wellllll...okay. But only if you say the magic word.  
  
JAQUES: (peremptorily) Please. Now sing.  
  
LORDS stuff more COTTON in their EARS and HUM LOUDLY.  
  
AMIENS: (CAT whose TAIL has been STEPPED ON) If I were a rich mannnnnnn...  
  
JAQUES: (closes eyes blissfully) Ah, music...  
  
AMIENS finally finishes his SONG. JAQUES gets GRUMPY and delivers a few INCOMPREHENSIBLE INSULTS aimed at the snickering LORDS.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 6. Yet /another/ Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. It's a very big forest, apparently.  
  
Enter ORLANDO and ADAM.  
  
ADAM: (collapses)  
  
ORLANDO: (picks up ADAM)  
  
Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.  
  
AUDIENCE: ...that's it?  
  
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Scene 7. Scene 5's Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. A picnic has been spread out on the ground.  
  
Enter DUKE SENIOR, AMIENS, and random LORDS, minus COTTON WADS.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Now where did that darned Jaques go?  
  
LORD 1: He left just a minute ago. He was listening to...(chokes and glances at AMIENS)...a song.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Well, go get him, I want to talk to him.  
  
Enter JAQUES, SKIPPING around HAPPILY. Everyone STARES.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Um...who are you and what did you do with the melancholy Jaques?  
  
JAQUES: (BOUNCES UP and DOWN) I met a fool! And it was cool! And he talked about time! And I like rhyme! And I wanna be a fool too! Yippee! Wahoo!  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: O_O  
  
DUKE SENIOR: ...right then.  
  
Enter ORLANDO, who THREATENS everyone with his BIG SHARP SWORD. LORDS back away SLOWLY.  
  
ORLANDO: DROP THAT FOOD AND GET YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! NOW!  
  
JAQUES: Is this a stickup?  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Nice boy...niiiiice boy...put the sword down now...  
  
ORLANDO: Uh, okay...I mean, NO! I WANT FOOD!  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Well, you came at just the right moment to join our picnic lunch. How lucky!  
  
ORLANDO: (stands there STUPIDLY for a moment, still BRANDISHING his SWORD) Er...thanks.  
  
ORLANDO SHEATHES the SWORD. LORDS edge cautiously CLOSER.  
  
ORLANDO: (remembers something) Oh, yeah, I left this old man in the woods over there. Can I go get him too?  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Sure! Always room for one more!  
  
ORLANDO: Be right back.  
  
Exit ORLANDO. LORDS finally RELAX.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: See, we aren't the only unhappy people in the great theater of the world.  
  
JAQUES: [line unedited] All the world's a stage...(RAMBLES on about HUMANITY for THIRTY LINES)   
  
Enter ORLANDO, carrying ADAM.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: Put the old guy down over here and get him some food.  
  
ORLANDO and ADAM: Thanks.  
  
DUKE SENIOR: I'll talk to you later, but right now I think we all need some entertainment. Who'd like to volun--  
  
AMIENS: Ooooh! Me!  
  
LORDS: NOOOOOOOOO! (get out the COTTON WADS again)  
  
AMIENS: (dying COW) I've got the bluuuuuuuuues...  
  
EVERYONE ELSE except JAQUES: (winces)  
  
JAQUES: *_*  
  
Exeunt OMNES. 


	3. Act III

A/N~ Sorry this one took so long to put up. Midterms are demonspawn. *siiiiiiiigh* Anyway, chars/story Shakespeare's, etc. etc. etc. Have fun. ^_^  
  
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As You Like It, Abridged  
  
Act III  
  
Scene 1. A room in DUKE FRED's palace.  
  
Enter DUKE FRED, STILL majorly PISSED, OLIVER, and random LORDS and ATTENDANTS.  
  
OLIVER: (cringing) I haven't seen him since the wrestling! Really! (ATTEMPTS to look INNOCENT, and FAILS MISERABLY)  
  
DUKE FRED: (eyeroll) Why do I not believe a word you're saying? Look, bozo, if I weren't the nice, kind, merciful guy I am... (SMIRKS and trails off OMINOUSLY as the LORDS and ATTENDANTS SNIGGER)  
  
OLIVER: Eep.  
  
DUKE FRED: But, since I /am/, I'm only confiscating all your worldly possessions until you bring him here. Because I think you're protecting him, being his loving brother and all.  
  
OLIVER: Nonono! You've got it all wrong! I hate his guts! Honest!  
  
DUKE FRED: Really? (looks SANCTIMONIOUS and REPROVING) Tsk, tsk. How unbrotherly.  
  
OLIVER: This from the guy who banished his own brother and took over his dukedom?  
  
DUKE FRED: Shut up. (to ATTENDANTS) Take him away.  
  
OLIVER: No! Get your filthy hands off me! AAARGH!  
  
ATTENDANTS DRAG off a KICKING and SCREAMING OLIVER.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 2. Somewhere Else in the Forest of Arden. How do these people find their way around?  
  
Enter ORLANDO, scribbling FURIOUSLY on a PIECE of PAPER.  
  
ORLANDO: "Roses are red, daisies are pink, my Rosalind's as lovely as...the kitchen sink." Ah, that's it! Perfect! A paragon of poetic praise. (BEAMS with PRIDE as nearby FLOWERS begin to WILT) Now to hang it on a tree to show everyone how much I love my Rozzie-baby. Oooh, she's so hot...  
  
After an INTERLUDE of DREAMY INCOHERENCE, ORLANDO brings out his trusty HAMMER and NAILS and affixes the PAPER to a nearby TREE. Poor TREE.  
  
Exit ORLANDO, pulling ANOTHER PIECE of PAPER out of his POCKET.  
  
Enter TOUCHSTONE, CORIN and SHEEP. TOUCHSTONE and CORIN have a LONG and POINTLESS ARGUMENT over COURT vs. COUNTRY, while SHEEP munch GRASS and look BORED.  
  
CORIN: Look, here comes that Ganymede dude.  
  
Enter GANYMEDE/ROSALIND, READING one of ORLANDO's PAPERS.  
  
GANY/ROZ: "Roses are red, daffodils are yellow, my Rosalind is sure a jolly good fellow?!" Um...who's going around writing poems about me--er, I mean this Rosalind girl and pinning them on trees?  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Gee, I wonder...  
  
GANY/ROZ: Ooh, you know? Who?  
  
TOUCHSTONE: (coughs) Never mind. Forget I said anything. That stuff is garbage anyway...listen, I can rhyme too! (starts in on more BAWDY JOKES, in RHYME this time)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (blushes SCARLET and hastily CHANGES the SUBJECT) Oh, look, my...sister's coming.  
  
Enter ALIENA/CELIA, READING another of ORLANDO's PAPERS.  
  
ALI/CEL: Hey, guys, look what I found on a tree! "Roses are red, marigolds are..."  
  
GANY/ROZ: (sighs) We've heard.  
  
ALI/CEL: (grins MISCHIEVOUSLY at GANY/ROZ) Hiya...brother. Listen, guys, could you go away for a bit? I'm sure you have some...er...important business to tend to.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: (eyes ALI/CEL) Um...right.  
  
EXEUNT TOUCHSTONE, CORIN and SHEEP.  
  
ALI/CEL: (sing-songy) I know something /you/ don't know!  
  
GANY/ROZ: (trying to look INDIFFERENT) I don't care.  
  
ALI/CEL: If you knew what it was, you'd care all right. Yupyupyup, you sure would.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (getting a little ANNOYED) Okay, what is it?  
  
ALI/CEL: Can't tell. It's a secret. (nod nod)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (sighs) Just gimme a hint, okay?  
  
ALI/CEL: Hmm...all right. Guess who wrote all those love poems about you!  
  
GANY/ROZ: Oooh! Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Tell me!  
  
ALI/CEL: No.  
  
AUDIENCE COUGHS and SHIFTS RESTLESSLY.  
  
ALI/CEL: Wellllll...all right. But are you /sure/ you can't guess?  
  
GANY/ROZ: Perfectly! Now tell me already!  
  
ALI/CEL: It's...(dramatic PAUSE) Orlando.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (SWOONS theatrically) 'LANDO-SWEETY-POOKUMS?!?!  
  
ALI/CEL: (smugly) The one and only.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (wails) Omigod! He's /here/, in /this forest/, and I'm dressed like, like, like a BOY! Boohoohoohoo... (SOBS on ALI/CEL's SHOULDER, then instantly CHANGES TACK) Did you see him? Is he okay? How's he dressed? Is he still as hot as he was the day of the wrestling? Did you talk to him? What's he doing in the forest? Did he ask about me? (runs out of BREATH) I want a one-word answer, right now.  
  
ALI/CEL: (looking POLEAXED by all the QUESTIONS) Um...er...oh, look! Here he comes!  
  
Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (gasps) Ack! It's him! Hide! I /so/ don't want him to see me in breeches!  
  
ALI/CEL and GANY/ROZ hide behind a TREE and watch ORLANDO and JAQUES exchange MUTUAL INSULTS.  
  
JAQUES: So there. (stomps off in a HUFF)  
  
ORLANDO: Phbbt.  
  
Exit JAQUES.  
  
GANY/ROZ: He'll /never/ recognize me in this getup...heyyy...that gives me an idea...(drags ALI/CEL out of HIDING) Um, er...hi, mister. (EARS redden)  
  
ORLANDO: (somehow doesn't RECOGNIZE his ROZZIE-POO) Yo. Whatcha want, stranger?  
  
GANY/ROZ: (thinks) Eh...the time. Yeah. That's it. What time is it?  
  
ORLANDO: Sorry, don't have a watch, and there's no clock or anything in this forest. Stupid forest.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Then there isn't a lover in the forest? You can tell time by their sighs and groans, y'know.  
  
ORLANDO and GANY/ROZ engage in a BATTLE of WITS, as PEOPLE often DO in a SHAKESPEAREAN COMEDY. GO FIGURE.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (EVER so CASUALLY) By the way, do you know who the lovesick idiot is that goes around hanging love poems about Rosalind on trees? I could cure him.  
  
ORLANDO: Uh, actually, that would be me. What's this "cure" you're talking about? Does it work?  
  
GANY/ROZ: Sure it does! I tried it once before, and it, like, totally worked! The guy may have gone insane afterwards, but he sure as heck wasn't in love any more. And that's the point, right? (BEAMS ANGELICALLY at ORLANDO, who looks APPREHENSIVE) Aw, c'mon, there's nothing to worry about. Just try it. Pleeeeease?  
  
ORLANDO: Erm...what do I have to do?  
  
GANY/ROZ: Just come to my house every morning and pretend I'm the girl you love. I'll be so obnoxious and annoying, you'll fall out of love with me--I mean, her. It really works!  
  
ORLANDO: Sounds cool. I'll try it, I guess.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Yay! Come to my house with me, and we can start right now!  
  
ORLANDO: All righty then...pardon, I didn't catch your name?  
  
GANY/ROZ: (grins IMPISHLY) Just call me Rosalind.  
  
Exeunt ORLANDO, GANY/ROZ and ALI/CEL.  
  
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Scene 3. I'll give you three guesses. And the first two don't count.  
  
Enter TOUCHSTONE, AUDREY, AUDREY's GOATS, and JAQUES following at a DISTANCE. TOUCHSTONE woos AUDREY with many BIG WORDS while AUDREY pretends to UNDERSTAND what he's TALKING about and JAQUES makes SNIDE COMMENTS from behind a TREE.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Here comes the priest guy who's supposed to do the honors. Howdy, Sir Oliver!  
  
Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT, who sets his BLACK TOP HAT down on a nearby ROCK. GOATS immediately DEVOUR it.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: So, y'wanna tie the knot in the church, or just do it here and let us get on with the consummation? (LEERS at AUDREY)  
  
AUDREY: Oh, Touchstone, you're so /romantic/! (BLUSHES and GIGGLES) What's a comfuscation, sweetie?  
  
SIR OLIVER: (COUGHS loudly) Guys, we need someone to give away the bride or it's not a proper marriage.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Why not?  
  
SIR OLIVER: Because...um...because it just isn't.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Drat. What do we do now? Use one of the goats?  
  
JAQUES: (steps FORWARD) I'll do it.  
  
SIR OLIVER: Whoa. Where'd that dude come from?  
  
TOUCHSTONE: Oh, hi, Mr. Melancholy Man. Nice seeing you again.  
  
JAQUES: (eyes SIR OLIVER dubiously) Um...is this idiot going to marry you?  
  
TOUCHSTONE: No, she is. (points at AUDREY, who BLUSHES and GIGGLES again)  
  
JAQUES: (shakes HEAD and SIGHS) No, you fool, I meant...never mind. Let me take you to find a proper priest who'll do it better, okay? This imbecile won't do it properly, and then your marriage won't last.  
  
TOUCHSTONE: (looks DISAPPOINTED) But that's the /point/...(glances HASTILY at AUDREY) Er, I mean, that's great. Wonderful. Let's go with the nice man, Audrey...  
  
Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE, AUDREY, and GOATS.  
  
SIR OLIVER: I'm not sure, but I think they just insulted me. (looks mildly PUZZLED) Now what in the world did I do with my hat? Coulda sworn...  
  
Exit SIR OLIVER, GRUMBLING to HIMSELF.  
  
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Scene 4. Do I really have to tell you?  
  
Enter GANY/ROZ and ALI/CEL.  
  
GANY/ROZ: I can't believe it! He's a /whole hour late/! Men are such callous, dissembling pigs... (DISSOLVES into NOISY TEARS)  
  
ALI/CEL: Hey, stop crying already. You're supposed to be a guy, /remember/?  
  
GANY/ROZ: Oh. (sniffs) Right.  
  
ALI/CEL: (eyeroll)  
  
GANY/ROZ: Oh, and by the way, I ran into my dad in the forest this morning. He didn't recognize me in my spiffy disguise, of course. But who cares about dumb ol' dad when there's 'Lando-baby-sweetie-honey-pie...  
  
Enter CORIN.  
  
CORIN: Hey, guys, remember that lovesick shepherd dude I was talking with?  
  
ALI/CEL: Yeah, why?  
  
CORIN: Well, he's with his lady-love right now. Wanna see? It's the /funniest/ thing...  
  
GANY/ROZ: (looks SENTIMENTAL) Sure. Let's go.  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
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Scene 5. Le sigh. (No, not a /place/ called Le Sigh...)  
  
Enter PHEBE, annoyed, and SILVIUS tagging along at her HEELS.  
  
SILVIUS: (whining) But Pheeeeebeeeee, I loooooove youuuuuuuuu!  
  
Enter GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL and CORIN, who HIDE behind convenient TREES.  
  
PHEBE: Tough nuts. Go chase after a sheep or something, you pervert.  
  
SILVIUS: (sniffles) You'll be sorry when /you're/ in love someday. Then you'll know how I feel. So there.  
  
PHEBE: Well, if I ever do--not likely--then you can come laugh at me. But until then, I don't want to see your sniveling face anywhere /near/ me. Got it?  
  
GANY/ROZ: (steps forward) Why, you ugly, rude, idiotic little...  
  
PHEBE: (drools) Whoa...he is /hot/... (STARES predatorily at GANY/ROZ)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (eyes PHEBE uneasily and backs away STEP by STEP as she TALKS) Um...stop staring at me like that. You. Shepherd. Stop being an idiot and go find a better girl. (reaches SAFETY) So. Yeah. Do it. Bye! C'mon, guys.  
  
Exeunt GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL and CORIN.  
  
PHEBE: (starstruck) Could this be...love?  
  
SILVIUS: (clears THROAT) Um...Phebe?  
  
PHEBE: (whips around) WHAT?  
  
SILVIUS: Ack! Have pity on me!  
  
PHEBE: I do. You're so pitiful, it's hard not to.  
  
SILVIUS: YES! Hope at last! Phebe...do you...do you have feelings for me?  
  
PHEBE: Sure I do. Lemme see...disgust, annoyance, scorn, dislike...any more I've forgotten?  
  
SILVIUS: That's not what I...oh, never mind.  
  
PHEBE: Hmm. (begins to formulate PLAN) Silvius, do you know the guy who was just here?  
  
SILVIUS: Sort of. I see him around a lot.  
  
PHEBE: (hastily) It's not that I love him or anything. Really. He's just an idiotic boy...but man, those bedroom eyes... (trails off into INTERNAL DEBATE)  
  
SILVIUS: (coughs DISCREETLY)  
  
PHEBE: Huh? Oh! Um. Right. Well, /some/ girls would've fallen in love with him if they'd had as good a look at him as I did. But me? No way /I/ love him or anything. Nope. Especially after all those things he said to me...geez, did you /hear/ him? I so should've answered him back, dangit! Oh, well, I can still send hate mail. Will you bring a letter to him for me, Silvius dear? (FLUTTERS eyelashes)  
  
SILVIUS: (bewitched) Anything for you, Phebe darling...  
  
PHEBE: Great! I'll go write it right now. C'mon, Silvius.  
  
Exeunt PHEBE and SILVIUS. 


	4. Act IV

A/N~ At long, long, looooong last, here's the next installment of AYLI Abridged. Only one more act left; stay tuned for final update whenever I have time.  
  
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As You Like It, Abridged  
  
Act IV  
  
Scene 1. Yes, it is that bloody forest again. And will be for the rest of the act, and the rest of the play, so location notations will henceforth be left off. Like you were reading them anyway.  
  
Enter GANY/ROZ, ALI/CEL, and GRUMPY JAQUES.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (eyeing JAQUES) So...um...how's your day been?  
  
JAQUES: Grump.  
  
GANY/ROZ: That bad, huh?  
  
JAQUES: Grump.  
  
Insert AWKWARD SILENCE here.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (ponders) Ohhhhh, you must be that depressed grumpy guy everyone's always talking about, right?  
  
JAQUES: I AM NOT DEPRESSED AND GRUMPY! I'm a cynical, worldly-wise, misanthropic philosopher, thank /you/ very much. (NOSE in AIR)  
  
GANY/ROZ: ...um. Right. 'Bye now, depressed grumpy guy. (starts pointedly IGNORING JAQUES)  
  
JAQUES: GRUMP. (stomps OFF in a HUFF)  
  
Exit JAQUES. Enter ORLANDO, looking SHEEPISH, with giant BOUQUET of FLOWERS. ALI/CEL moves to restrain GANY/ROZ, who glares DAGGERS at ORLANDO.  
  
ORLANDO: (weak GRIN) Er...h-hi, 'Rosalind'? (holds out FLOWERS)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (turns into PMS WOMAN from H**L) Grrrrrrrrrrrr...  
  
ORLANDO: Eep. (hides behind convenient TREE)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (recovers, looking CHAGRINED) 'Lando? Sweetie? Please come out? I'll be nice! I promise! (halo)  
  
ORLANDO: (edges into OPEN) Promise?  
  
GANY/ROZ: Promise.  
  
EVERYTHING goes back to NORMAL, and yet another WIT EXCHANGE takes place.  
  
AUDIENCE: And how, exactly, is this supposed to be /curing/ Orlando of his lovesickness?  
  
SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: Hey, I didn't come up with the stupid plot! Besides, it's a comedy. Lots of unrealistic things happen. Deal with it.  
  
AUDIENCE: We've noticed.  
  
SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: You think this is wacky? Check out the Comedy of Errors.  
  
Meanwhile, BACK on STAGE:  
  
GANY/ROZ: (LOVESTRUCK) I'd do anything for you, Orlando...  
  
ORLANDO: (caught UP in the GAME) Then love me, 'Rosalind'! [line unedited]  
  
After yet MORE WITTICISMS, GANY/ROZ and ORLANDO decide to "get MARRIED."  
  
GANY/ROZ: (grabs ALI/CEL) C'mon, sis, you be the priest.  
  
ALI/CEL: Huh? Butbut...I don't know how!  
  
GANY/ROZ: (eyeroll) Just recite a prayer or something.  
  
ALI/CEL: (LIGHT dawns) Ohhh, I get it! Okay. (kneels) Lord, bless this food...  
  
GANY/ROZ: (pokes ALI/CEL) Not that one, dummy!  
  
ALI/CEL: (CONFUSED for a second, then starts OVER) Now I lay me down to sleep... (lies DOWN) Hmm...I'm...awfu'y...tiiired...allasuddenzzzzzzzz... (falls ASLEEP)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (gives UP in DESPAIR) Okay, okay, forget the priest bit, all right? I'll just say the words. (PREACHER VOICE) "Do you, Orlando, take this Rosalind...blah blah blah...for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...blah blah blah...until death do you part?"  
  
ORLANDO: I do.  
  
GANY/ROZ: Cool! Then I do, too. (resumes PREACHER VOICE) You may kiss the bride. (puckers UP and leans IN)  
  
ORLANDO: (backs AWAY slowly) Um...you're a guy.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (automatic) No I'm not! Oh...wait...right. Yeah. I am. Sorry.  
  
ORLANDO: (weirded OUT) Okay. That's fine. I'll just go now, shall I? (keeps backing AWAY)  
  
GANY/ROZ: You're going? (sniffle) Deserting me? Leaving me all by my self in this huge surreal Disneyfied forest? WAAAAAAAH! I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOOOVE MEEEE! (flops on GROUND)  
  
ORLANDO: (even MORE weirded OUT) Well, I /am/ coming back at two...  
  
GANY/ROZ: (stands UP) You are? Well, why didn't you say so? That's fine, then. But not a millisecond later than two, or I will flay you alive, mash you into little quivering bits, and then kill you. Twice.  
  
ORLANDO, HELPLESS against the POWER of FEMININE LOGIC, beats a hasty RETREAT.  
  
Exeunt OMNES (GANY/ROZ in another DREAMY REVERIE) except for ALI/CEL, who is still SNOOZING.  
  
Scene 2.  
  
Enter JAQUES and RANDOM LORDS with a DEAD DEER.  
  
JAQUES and RANDOM LORDS: (sing RANDOM SONG about HORNS and CUCKOLDS and LOVELY THINGS like that. Crazy ELIZABETHANS.)  
  
Exeunt OMNES.  
  
AUDIENCE: (splutters) But.. but...that scene was utterly pointless! And Jaques is, like, totally out of character! And they killed that poor little deer! And the song is incomprehensible to a modern audience like us! Aagh! (falls OVER)  
  
SPRINKLER SYSTEM comes on, drenching and reviving AUDIENCE so that the SHOW can go ON.  
  
SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: (chuckles EVILLY to SELF)  
  
Scene 3.  
  
Enter GANY/ROZ, majorly PISSED, and ALI/CEL.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (whining) He's /late/! Boohoohoooo...  
  
ALI/CEL: (annoyed) Well, what'd you expect? He's probably off snoozing under some tree.  
  
Enter SILVIUS, worried, with a LETTER.  
  
SILVIUS: (cringing, to GANY/ROZ) Um, Phebe told me to give you this. I think she's mad. Don't kill the messenger... (hands over LETTER)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (reads LETTER, pretending to be ANGRY) Geez, someone's got a chip on their shoulder...waaait a minute. You wrote this yourself, didn't you?  
  
SILVIUS: No! I swear!  
  
GANY/ROZ: (hiding a GRIN) No way any woman ever wrote this. First of all, the handwriting's so crappy it's gotta be a guy's. Though she does have a guy's hands. All dirty and callused and stuff...yecch.  
  
SILVIUS: (searching for a GETAWAY) Nononono! Not me! No! It was her!  
  
GANY/ROZ: Well, how could a woman write such awful mean stuff about me? Here, I'll read you a sample: (clears THROAT officiously) "Oh I love you so so so much my snoogy-woogy hunk-o-man..."  
  
SILVIUS: (blinks) This...is your idea of hate mail?  
  
GANY/ROZ: "I know you love me too, so quit playing hard-to-get! I burn for the touch of your lips on mine, your strong arms around me, your..." (reads ahead, EYES go WIDE) Uh. Um. You get the idea. (blushes SCARLET)  
  
SILVIUS: (close to TEARS) Hate mail? /Hate/ mail?!?!  
  
ALI/CEL: Aww, poor puppy... (pats SILVIUS on HEAD)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (snorts) Don't pity him, he's pathetic. Why's he mooning over the likes of /her/? (wads up LETTER and tosses AWAY, grinning as SILVIUS grabs for it) 'Kay, you can go away now.  
  
Exit SILVIUS, first stopping to pick up the crumpled LETTER.  
  
Enter OLIVER, who doesn't appear to have SHAVED for WEEKS.  
  
OLIVER: Hey, could you guys direct me to a cottage with olive trees growing around it?  
  
ALI/CEL: (instantly SMITTEN by HAIRY OLIVER...don't ask me why) Um, it's over that way. Second tree to the right and straight on 'til morning. But there's nobody home.  
  
OLIVER: (also SMITTEN) Oh. Uh. Thanks. (beat) Wait...tall guy who looks like a woman, petite dark girl...you're the people who live there, aren't you?  
  
ALI/CEL: Uh huh... (GAZES into OLIVER's eyes)  
  
Garish pink ANIME HEARTS begin to twinkle around OLIVER and ALI/CEL. GANY/ROZ is not IMPRESSED.  
  
GANY/ROZ: AHEM. You had a message for us, mister?  
  
OLIVER: Oh! Right. Orlando says to say hi, and to give "Rosalind" this bloody hankie. (holds out BLOODY HANKIE)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (goes WHITE) Is he okay? What /happened/?  
  
OLIVER: Well, as he was wandering through the forest, he came upon m--er, this hairy guy sleeping under an oak tree, with a lioness waiting to pounce on him as soon as he woke up.  
  
AUDIENCE: ...a lioness? In /Europe/?  
  
SHAKESPEARE'S GHOST: Just shut up and go with it.  
  
OLIVER: Being the heroic chap he is, Orlando decided to investigate and then recognized the man as his (gulp) elder brother.  
  
ALI/CEL: Elder brother? As in the really mean an' bad an' cruel elder brother who treated him like dirt and kicked him out?  
  
OLIVER: (looking UNCOMFORTABLE) Yeah. That one.  
  
GANY/ROZ: (fidgeting) But what happened to /Orlando/? Did he leave the guy to die?  
  
OLIVER: He almost did, but the nobleness of his nature prevailed. (GANY/ROZ beams) He did battle and drove off the lioness, at which point I woke up. (cringes) He! I mean /he/ woke up.  
  
ALI/CEL: It was you?   
  
GANY/ROZ: You were the one he rescued?  
  
ALI/CEL: (looking CRUSHED) You did all those mean things to him?  
  
OLIVER: (hangs HEAD) Yeah, but thanks to the magical redeeming power of the forest, I've reformed and become a pretty decent guy, actually.  
  
ALI/CEL: Oh. Okay, then. (mollified)  
  
GANY/ROZ: (still staring at the HANKIE) But then...whose blood is that?  
  
OLIVER: I'm getting to it! Geez, let me tell my story already! Anyway, he took me to the exiled duke, who gave me food and clothes and stuff. I only found out he'd been wounded by the lioness when he fainted from blood loss. The kid was always too stoic for his own good. (GANY/ROZ sways dangerously, but OLIVER doesn't notice) I revived him, bandaged the gash in his arm, and he told me to find you and give you this hankie with his blood on it. So here I am.  
  
GANY/ROZ faints.  
  
OLIVER: What the--  
  
ALI/CEL: Noooo! Ganymede! Wake up!  
  
GANY/ROZ: (stirs and mumbles) I wanna go home...  
  
ALI/CEL: We'll take you. (to OLIVER) Could you help me get him home?  
  
OLIVER: (looking WEIRDLY at GANY/ROZ) Sure, I've got to give your reply to Orlando anyway. Up you get, kid. You /sure/ you're a guy?  
  
GANY/ROZ: (putting on brave FACADE) Hah! I was just faking. Fooled you, didn't I? (staggers)  
  
OLIVER: Um...that doesn't look like faking to me. C'mon, let's get you home.  
  
GANY/ROZ: It was pretend. Really. Oof. (ALI/CEL and OLIVER give her a BOOST)  
  
OLIVER: Okay then, "Rosalind." Off we go.  
  
Exeunt OMNES. 


End file.
